Why is it that when a mom tries so hard to be a "good mom" that she gets kicked in the rear from her own children... over and over again, and yet she goes back for more? I felt just that way tonight when SB and I took one of our children out for dinner for a burger. We were having fun, ordering drinks, eating pimento cheese fries, indulging ourselves at the bar. Would this have been the place I would have picked for a Saturday night dinner? Well, no, but because our one child came home for the weekend from college, we thought we'd let her pick the place. Actually, I always let the children pick the place, because I want them to feel special, loved, and, well, indulged. So we end up at a "hip" burger joint in Decatur, one that serves grass-fed beef. I've never really had this before, never really needed to try it. Five Guys is good enough for me, and since I only eat a burger about once every six months or so, I thought it would be good to try.
After getting a lot of food, and agreeing to share the fries that came in my combo dinner since SB didn't get any fries, I offered some to the child with us and SB. Instead of a "no thank you" or "sure, I'd love some," I was rebuked by the child for offering the fries. This was something that had occurred over and over in our most recent 2 week trip to Spain. You see, I have a thing about wanting to make sure my kids get the best part of something and enough of it. It's something I do, something I learned from my own parents, who always let me and my siblings choose first. It's a consideration thing; it's putting one's self beneath the other and letting the other get his/her own way first. I know plenty of people who wouldn't do this for their children, but I do it, all the time, and it's because it was modeled for me.
I didn't grow up with a lot, and going out for a meal was always a treat. I recall that my parents, even though money was tight, would encourage me to order what I wanted. I usually ordered the most expensive thing on the menu: Steak and Lobster, though I could never eat it all, and many times, didn't really want the steak. I believe it used to cost around $15 or so; that was a lot back in the '70's. Even though I knew it was a lot for them, I still ordered it. I wonder how it made my parents feel? Did they regret letting me choose whatever I wanted? Did they get less because I got more?
In any case, instead of gratitude, I've been getting a slap in the face, an ungrateful response, such as tonight..."Mom, don't ask me that any more; I don't want you to push food on me; I don't want any of your fries!" That type of response is just plain hurtful to me, and it exemplifies the ultimate in selfishness and self-centeredness in a child. I wasn't trying to "push" food on my child, and my kids don't understand this. In the Asian culture, and in my upbringing, it was always essential that when we cooked a dinner or made a meal that there was enough food for everyone, more food than needed. Perhaps it stems from the fact that my father experienced real hunger when he was a child, and so he wanted to make sure we children had enough. But I think it's more than that; I think it's a way to show deference and respect and selflessness to offer the other the best part and to make sure the other person was filled to satisfaction. Perhaps my being a "good mom" should involve less sacrifice and more selfishness; perhaps my children knowing a "lack" of something could actually be of help in their becoming more gracious, selfless, and respectful human beings in the long run.
I may never know, but you can bet I'll never offer this child french fries again.
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