The Chinese Mother

After reading Amy Chua's article in the Wall Street Journal entitled the same as this blog, I felt a type of satisfaction overcome me in that someone finally verbalized what I have thought for many years.  Her article seemed exaggerated and somewhat of hyperbole, but, nevertheless, it was pretty much on the target in terms of what Chinese mothers expect of their children.

I can't say that I'm a full-fledged Chinese mom, even though I am a full-blooded Chinese.  Part of that is because I was born and raised in the United States and so were my parents and so were a couple of my grandparents.  I guess being a 3rd generation Chinese mom, the compulsions have worn off a bit though not totally.

For instance, I don't really agree with calling a child "garbage" as she did to her kids.  However, I have, on occasion, told my children that they were lazy, or unmotivated, or selfish.  I can't help but think that they think this of themselves at times as I did when I was young.  I do believe that we should tell our children to act better or to strive to be better.  Calling names is probably not very responsible, but looking the other way when our children act poorly or choose to go the easy way out isn't either.

I could fully relate to Ms. Chua's point about violin and piano.  I grew up playing 4 years of piano, and I truly wish my mom had "forced" me to continue playing after I turned 11; but I was a rebellious thing and used the piano to show my anger toward my mother and she knew it.  I would "rush" my practice by playing my pieces very quickly and not to tempo; my mother, facing the kitchen sink with her back to me, would inevitably say, "SLOW DOWN," or, "DON"T PLAY SO FAST."  My revenge was to play the next song as slowly as possible, again, not to tempo, just to frustrate her.  Then I would pound on the keys as loudly as I could, as poorly as I could, surely feeling like I was getting back at her for making me practice that day.  This piano playing, as tortuous as it was at times, was actually very pleasurable to me.  I loved playing songs from the popular groups like "Chicago" or "Carole King Tapestry" or "Burt Bacharac."  I actually played my Sonatas and Sonatinas on my own when my mother wasn't there, just because I was good at it and enjoyed it.  But you would never catch me practicing for mere pleasure if she were there; that would give her too much satisfaction! 

My own daughters, 3 of them, chose to play the violin in 1st grade.  I believe they inherited the same rebellious nature that I so fully exhibited when I was a young girl.  There were many days that they would practice with me playing on the piano, them kicking and fighting, me urging them on.  And there were many tears shed over having to practice the piece over and over while I helped them with the tempo.  My response to that behavior was to ask them to please not cry while they were playing their violin as it would damage the instrument.  My neighbor down the street always covered her ears when she came over and heard them practicing, but I loved listening to them play as they were all very good violinists. It made me want to cry to hear them perform in the orchestra.... there's just nothing like playing an instrument in a larger group.  The older two had a natural rhythm and sense of timing; the eldest had a special ability to "move" with the piece, feel its nature.  She's the one that is going into Interior Design; that side of the brain allowed her to interpret the music in a way that many never can.

My son played the piano for a couple of years.  He, too, was very talented, but it became too difficult to do this while he transitioned to another school. Also, he took up the trumpet, which he loves and is good at.  This year, he received the "musicality" award in school, whatever that is.  He will still occasionally play on our piano just for fun, and has taught himself a piece or two.

Another thing that distinguishes me from the true Chinese mother is that I have allowed my children to participate in sports.  I have been the pseudo-coach for soccer, tennis, basketball, baseball, volleyball, lacrosse and swimming, and I'm their biggest fan.  But this has taken away from their ability to concentrate on their music and school, hence, proving that I'm not really the Chinese Mother as described by Ms. Chua.  However, I will say that I have "pushed" my children in their athletics, and I believe I have helped each of them become great athletes.  I have signed them up, paid for, and driven them to clinics, camps, skills sessions, private coaches, club sports, traveling teams, select teams, and all-star events.  I have sat through freezing cold rains, scorching hot days, monotonously long days in the gym, excrutiatingly tedious days at the pool, and have driven thousands of miles to get them to and from their events throughout the Southeast Region.  And I have seen them excel in so many ways because of their work and dedication to the sport.

I totally believe that children need less of the "I'M OK, YOU"RE OK" and more of the "you should work hard so you will attain satisfaction and will learn pride in your work."  I always tell my kids that "nothing good in life is free or easy; that most things that are really good in life, yes, the great things in life, come from hard work, perserverance, and dedication."  It's like the Suzuki method:  Most people become great in something because they practice, over and over, and work at it.  I have friends who I know think I'm slightly crazy, and sometimes harsh.  I guess I'll only know one day when my kids are a little older and have a better perspective in all that they have done.  I know that I appreciate all that my parents did for me, and the sacrifices they made to educate me are not lost now that I'm an adult.

Is it the way that I look that makes me the Chinese Tiger Mother, or is it my actions that make me fall in that direction?  I say it's neither, but, rather, my heart, my soul, my intentions for my children, and, ultimately, my hope that they, too, one day, will find the tiger in themselves.